July 6, 2009

Golf Sucks Balls

Can someone explain to me how the sport of golf ever made it past the first day it was invented? Golf really has to be one of the worse sports/pastimes ever. Now, I know there are a lot of golf lovers out there, which really confuses me. How is it so popular? Let’s be honest with ourselves, it's pretty boring. But that’s not even the worst part of it. The worst part is that the game is super long AND boring.

At best, a round of golf takes three hours, which is an incredible amount of time. A "long" movie can take two hours, and that involves constant visual stimulation. If I told you that you had to do anything for three hours, you would immediately begin bitching and moaning about it. You wouldn't even have sex for three hours, would you? So why the hell would you play golf for three hours?

But the truth is that golf doesn't take three hours. It takes 4-5 hours. You always have to wait to get started, wait for people in front of you to play, wait for the people playing with you to play. It's a giant time suck. Let's assume you have Saturday and Sunday off from work and you're generally awake and active from 8 AM to 8 PM. That means your free times equals 12 hours a day or 24 hours for your whole weekend. Why on earth would you be willing to sacrifice 20% of your free time to golf?! That's insane. You only have one weekend, and your blowing nearly a quarter of it on bullshit golf??

I will confess that golf can be an interesting physical and mental challenge, and I can see some appeal in that, but does it have to be 18 holes? How ridiculous is that? Why do we allow this? You can't get me to do "18" of anything, let alone golf. I won't masturbate 18 times in a day, I won't eat 18 cupcakes, I won't drink 18 beers (usually)... I mean, who decided to make golf last for 18 holes? How stupid. And how stupid for us to allow this to persist!

Let's be honest with ourselves and admit that baseball is another sport that is too long, and baseball "only" lasts NINE innings! That's only half as long as golf! Imagine if baseball games lasted TWICE AS LONG, or 18 innings! You'd kill yourself, right? Yet, every regulation golf course in the country is 18 holes. Can't we make it 3-5 holes? Wouldn't that be a sufficient challenge, speed things along and make the world a better place? I bet that golf would get more people to play the sport if it lasted a reasonable amount of time, like an hour. Maybe guys want the game to be long in order to give them a legitimate excuse to be away from their wives/kids for extended periods of time. I don't know if that is true or not, because I neither have a wife nor a kid, but maybe I shouldn't have either of them if I enjoy something as horrible as golf more than I enjoy spending time with them. And if guys do prefer to play golf, then maybe wives and kids shouldn't be so horrible as to make golf appear to be a more attractive alternative.

While the length of the game is its biggest problem, golf is still riddled with lots of other issues. Let me break them down for you:

No one is "good" at playing golf. Aside from the PGA, all the weekend golfers suck – and suck really bad. In fact, even the PGA players can suck. I've never met so many people who want to do something that they suck so badly at. And the weekend players dedicate a lifetime to playing poorly. Isn't it an exercise in futility to never get better after playing for 20 years? That's not fun.

Because golf takes so long to play, you have to get started at a ridiculously early time in the morning – like 6:00 am or something. You have one weekend, and you’re going to start it off by waking up earlier than you would for work?? How does that make sense?

It is prohibitively expensive. So you want to be a golfer? OK, you have to spend thousands of dollars on clubs, balls, gloves, tees, greens fees and gizmos that help you play better, etc. Oh, and by the way, you suck at it. Enjoy!

I see these guys at the airport picking up their giant bag of golf clubs from baggage claim. Carting these fucking things all over the place to go play golf somewhere. What a nightmare. You would have a tough time getting me to check my carry-on bag, so there is no way I want to lug that crazy shit around. How absolutely horrible.

I have to confess that when I hang around with guys and they start talking about golf in an excited manner, I'm just completely at a loss. When a golfer yells out "FORE!" when he hits a wayward ball, I suspect he's really shouting out the number of holes the game should be.

51 comments:

  1. Amen! What's worse is when my husband watches golf on TV. It doesn't get any more boring then that.

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    1. I have found some things more boring than golf: Americas Top Model, Project Runway and I hope it is almost over, American Idol.

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  2. Golf is fun. You just need to appreciate walking in nature and trying to get better [although it appears to be constantly elusive], that is all part of it. However, I will admit that I have been known to not make it past the bar after the 9th hole!

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    1. A golf course couldn't be farther from nature. Nothing natural about it.

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  3. Oh, puh-leeze! You would SO masturbate eighteen times!!

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  4. FYI - 8am - 8pm is 12 hours, not 10.

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  5. Thank you, Anonymous, and duly noted (and corrected). I'm glad at least SOMEONE is reading these post carefully!

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  6. I agree with Anonymous #1.....nothing is worse than watching it on TV!

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  7. All golf channels suck big time

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  8. Golf AND baseball should just die. Fucking boring, horrible sports.

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    1. Amen Brother

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    2. Baseball is fun when you're playing it, or even watching your kids play it on a team. But watching pro baseball is boring as hell.

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  9. My only brother flown all over the country for the sole purpose of playing golf, but has not come to visit me even once in the last twenty one years, because there is no golf course near by. He said he wouldn't visit because there is nothing important to do. He sucks even worse than golf.

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  10. Golf is also an ecological disaster, destroying farmland and forest to make a golf courses, using millions of gallons of fresh water and polluting millions more. Pesticides and insecticides runoff leaching into ground water, golf literally KILLS people with pollution!

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  11. Golf sucks! WHO EVER INVENTED THIS DAMN SPORT DESERVES A KICK ON THE CROTCH! How does this show off ANY skill!? WHY 18 HOLES!? I really like this little arcticle of yours and laughed at the fact that all of this is so damn true! Good job!

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  12. I like golf but despise the USGA handicap system. It encourages unskillful golfers to become worse by giving them too many strokes.It you need more that one stroke per hole to be competitive - you need to take up another sport or play recreational golf.
    The system enoucrage sandbaggerism.

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  13. I can see why you don't have a wife

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  14. Being a reformed 'golf-a-holic" I have to agree with EVERY word you wrote..... its a waste of fucking time

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    1. You overall point is mostly correct... Golf is very expensive, ruinously time consuming, and too hard for most normal people to enjoy. But Many of your arguments are objectively stupid.

      -So... baseball is "half" of a golf game because it's nine innings. Does that mean football is less than half of baseball because it's four quarters? Neither golf nor baseball have timeframes, you can't quantify it like that, you dolt.

      -People spend 20% of their weekend doing lots of things that could seem stupid when taken out of context. "Why would you get extra sleep on the weekends? People spend all week sleeping!!!" "Why would you go for a Sunday drive, you drive to work every day, don't you?!?!?"

      -Your arguments about tee times and club cost also just retardedly exaggerative. You do not have to wake up at 6AM. Many tee times are in the 2-3PM range, and if you want, you can just play 9 holes for a lower price and time commitment. There are also super cheap "twilight" rates that allow you to take the course at 4-6PM (depending on the time of year) and play till the sun goes down. Usually you can get 9-12 holes in for around $15.

      Speaking of prices... CAN you spend thousands on golf clubs? Yes. Do you HAVE to? Unlike your blind assumption, no fucking way. Heard of Craigslist? eBay? This thing called the internet? My bag has no more than $400 of clubs in it, and new golfers can EASILY get on the course for $150.

      I'm not saying golf is particularly cheap. But it is accessible to many. And if you can't afford it, even at the bottom level, then hello? DON'T PLAY.

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  15. LOL! Very well put!

    I'd rather eat cat poo than watch or even participate in golf.

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  16. Golf is for old recently divorced, beer drinking fatasses with no livesJune 8, 2010 at 12:06 AM

    Although I fully agree with you that golf sucks balls, you give a VERY weak argument about it. Next time try not to sound like a 10 year old on a temper tantrum. You forgot to mention golf has NO physical challenges in it and no adrelinnaline capabilities, so it's basically like playing a giant game of fuckingnchess, which is also definatly NOT A SPORT! Baseball however, is definstly a sport. You do need to have physical talent to play it, I will agree with you however, that baseball is gay and boring as he'll

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  17. Dear Sir
    If Golf is a physical challenge. Allow me to suggest looking into purchasing a coffin. This is the most lethargic activity to ever be considered a sport. Clearly this is an activity for the mentally challenged. How Tiger Woods ever managed to get laid is because they were women used to dropping trow in front of a camera... pretty lame.

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  18. the "minister of common sense" is an idiot who has no credibility. his reasons for not liking golf are completely juvenile and illogical. he compares golf to baseball, which is like comparing apples to oranges. obviously he has never taken the time to play or understand golf. obviously he sucks at sports himself and has to choose a couple to rip on. obviously he's an overweight blogger who's writing skills (and overall mindset) belong in community college. he talks about sex and masturbation because he never actually gets any. golf isn't the problem - fat, stupid blogging losers are

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  19. Gesh, some people can't appreciate a little tongue-in-cheek writing, can they?! Listen, golf sucks because it takes too long to play, and the average person can't get good at it (without devoting a significant portion of their life in doing so). That sounds like a long and frustrating hobby to me. I don't see how anyone can debate me on this. And for the record, I am not fat. I'm actually pretty fit... which comes from running. And running sucks, too (it hurts, you have to run far to burn any real calories, etc). At least I'm unbiased in my criticism of sports!

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  20. nice spelling of fore it sure shows you have played golf a lot, by the way if it sucks so much why is one of the worlds most popular sports ?

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  21. Thanks for catching the spelling error, and of course I have NOT played golf a lot... I just wrote 300 words on why I don't (and why I won't). It's probably "one of the world's most popular sports" because guys want an excuse to get away from their wives for 5 hours on the weekend.

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  22. Hey Minister how's it going? You're are sooooo totally right about golf. Who in their RIGHT MIND would want to leave their house and their wife for almost the whole damn day and waste it drinking beer with their buddies, hanging out outside, having a great meal and drinking some more beer after the round and telling jokes with my buddies. I'm seriously..that sucks! I would much rather spend the day with my lovely wife and help her pick out tile for the bathroom at home depot and then head over to applebees for a quick afternoon snack (maybe get the chicken sandwich and a bottler of water) and and then maybe head to the mall and go shopping for clothes and catch the latest romantic comedy. If I'm lucky maybe the in-laws will meet us at Applebees. I would much rather spend my days inside consuming.

    So....Minister.....do you now finally understand why golf lasts so long?? Dumbass

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    1. Your marriage must suck if you can't spend time with your wife but have to get drunk on the weekends. Hate your kids too?

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  23. While golf as a sport is pretty god damn stupid, I do see the appeal of using it as an excuse to have some REAL fun.

    Tiger Woods? Total douche.
    Golf Fan? Bigger douche.
    Guy who's had a few drinks and enjoying some peace? Pretty alright.

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  24. As a former athlete I have always believed golf is like yard darts; not a sport, but an activity that people gravitate to because they can't perform at real athletic sports. It's popular because you can be fat and out of shape to perform fairly well. Whats B.S. is when golfers call themselves atheletes!

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  25. I'm 15 and I love golf... And it's just as much of a sport as basketball, football and soccer, and just as difficult

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  26. Why is every damn golf tournament shown on TV?

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  27. As George Carlin puts it "Watching golf on tv is like watching flies fuck" I think its worse than that..

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  28. LOL... its a sissy game for sissies. I'd rather spend all that money and fly out somewhere, travel, and actually enjoy myself then putt a stupid ass ball with a stupid ass stick on a fucking huge ass course

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  29. Golf is NOT a sport. Golf courses would do much better as OHV riding areas, otherwise they are just a huge waste of perfectly good land. And golf is just a fantastically huge waste of time and good money. I can't stand to see the stuck up richy-poo asshole cockfucks that feel the need to be snooty status symbols. Fuck golf and golf related country club bullshit. Give me a hole-in-the wall tavern with real down to earth people.

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  30. I don't play golf, but you guys who hate golf crack me up and need to get a life. If you were good at anything, you'd have something better to do than bash others for doing something THEY like. For those folks that take it seriously, it's every bit as much a sport as basketball, or baseball. My guess, just a guess, is that you're the typical idiots out on the course whiffing at the ball and throwing your clubs and that's where the hate comes from.

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  31. Of course golf costs more than the other sports: it requires much more equipment and upkeep of an enormous playing field. I've played basketball and football endlessly with friends over the years, but golf is so much more demanding in terms of precise body movement and intelligence. One extremely minor mistake and the ball can be wildly mishit. If you think golf is a sissy sport then you obviously haven't tried to play. Anybody who has played knows how tremendously difficult it is to hit a powerful and accurate shot. If you think it's boring, then don't watch it. There's not a single person who likes EVERYTHING in this world, so why do you feel the need to bash it when you simply found it boring to watch on tv.

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    1. I agree. Golf may not be a sport, but it sure as fuck isn't easy.

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  32. Golf=status quo expensive bullshit. I do disc
    golf. No tee time, doesn't cost shit, no dress code. And everyone who does it smokes herb.

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  33. Not really, Anonymous. Every golfer with whom I play (including myself) is lower-middle to middle class. They just choose to spend their money on a sport they enjoy. If they'd have liked basketball, then they'd go to the local recreational center and play basketball.

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  34. golf sucks so bad!...no thrill , no muscle..I surf and ski .i.e real physical solo sports...how can desk bound pussies get a rise out of slapping around a ball? it clinically insane,..i have never posted anything b4 but golf just suks...b4 tv or cars you may have needed 5 hours of entertainment ..but the world has sped up and being a douche for 5 hours //....suks...its horrrific and no one enjoys it..they just do it because ur boss does..i am a desk jockey but i would rather respond to email than be the gold ahole....baseball and gold are late 19th century(1800's)sport...look at the golf outfits and baseball socks!..as is bowling but bowling allows beer...these sport need to be ended in popular culture ..they are stupid and worthless and non athetic..babe ruth was a fat alcholic!

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  35. Golf is like so awesome

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  36. Christ there are some dumb fucking people in the world.
    "No muscle...I surf and ski". Many of us aren't rich dickheads who can go surfing and skiing, so we buy a $25 dollar set of crappy golf clubs at Goodwill, pay $10 once a month to play a round of golf at the local public course. No pretentious assholes in our group, just a mechanic, electrician, Soldier and truck driver. We don't care if we set a record or not, we are there to relax, talk smack and have fun.
    I will say the golf channel does suck, but it is excellent for insomniacs and fussy babies.
    "Desk bound pussies"...hah, what a dumbass. Don't think I've ever run into you while humping in the mountains of Afghanistan you shithead. You wouldn't be able to hang.
    Stick to your sun and fun sports punkass.





















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    1. 10 bucks bish please!

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  37. Golf fucking sucks ass. It is the most boring, ignorant wasteful "game" ever! It wastes so much land that could be used for farming and productive stuff. But no ! A bunch of rich douche bag elitists have to play thier stupid fucking game!

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    1. The average hipster looks down upon the average golfer while simultaneously projecting on the the golfer an adjective like elitist. Golf Club memberships run from $500/year to $100,000/ year. I find it a little silly that men would wear tight jeans and cuff them up to highwater territory, but I don't write the folks off as elitist douche bags. Doing so would be ignorant. I just assume they may grow up to be golfers.

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  38. Golf courses have provided emergency landing runways and saved many lives. And if you walk instead of riding a cart it's definitely healthy exercise (2.5 miles for 9, 5+ miles for 18), Also Alice Cooper swears that golf saved his life. His Dr. told him that he would be dead from liver failure if he didn't quit boozing. Golf keeps him out of the house for 5 hours every day and the sun. exercise and camaraderie made him quit drinking. Too bad he's a Republican!

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    1. Emergency runways? Thats fing funny. Then why not tear down the courses and make one runway and use 90% less land?

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