July 20, 2009

Common Sense Potpourri

As you know by now, most of my posts are pretty long. However, I will often think of random ideas, comments or observations that don’t really deserve their own 1,000-word column. So here are some of them:
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One of the advantages to being homeless is that you get to walk in the street any time you want. The other day I saw a guy walk right through a red light, and all the cars stopped and patiently waited for him to cross. I've also seen people walk in the middle of the street with their homeless shopping cart and be completely oblivious to traffic. Do you know what would happen if you or I did any of this? Cars would be blaring their horns and screaming at us to get out of the way. No one said anything to these people or honked their horn. It’s one of the perks.
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Listen, guys, the act of kissing a girl's hand is not a romantic gesture – it's gross. That tradition died a long time ago. I saw two older guys talking to a young, pretty girl they just met outside of a Starbucks. When she went to leave, she attempted to shake their hand and, instead, they kissed it. I think she almost vomited up her Frappuccino. It's old fashioned and gross. Believe me, no girl wants you to do this. It's not endearing and it makes you creepy. I guarantee you that the girl at the Starbucks was feverishly rubbing the back of her hand on the leg of her jeans as soon as she got in her car. If you are old and you want a young girl to like that you do this, go to a strip club.
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I hate people who respond to e-mail in vague terms or don't answer all of your questions. This can often happen at work. Maybe you write, "John, do you want me to spend more time on Project A or Project B?" Their response is, "Yes." That's not helpful.
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Check writing should be outlawed. No one accepts them anymore anyway. No one should be writing a check in a grocery store line and holding up people. Carry cash or get a credit card (or get debit card if you can’t qualify for a credit card). I can't believe we lived with checks as long as we did.... it's basically an IOU from a total stranger. We thought this was a good idea?
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Why is believing in god any less ridiculous than believing in UFOs, ghosts or Zeus? Isn't it about time that we used our sophisticated, “god-given” rational mind and came to grips with the idea that none of the above exist? Believe me, it will be OK. (Recommended reading.)
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(In case there was anyone that I failed to alienate with the above paragraph...) What the hell is the big problem with letting gay people get married? How does this bother you and why do you even care?? If I can marry some woman that I totally hate and never slept with, why can't gay people get married? Gay people (unlike god and UFOs) actually do exist. They deserve the same rights as straight people. The church doesn't have to marry them - they are a private organization, and that's fine - but the government should marry them, as long as they are agreeing to marry everyone else. Women and blacks went through this same societal prejudice in the past, and now we all agree that it was wrong. I think it's appalling that we can't recognize that we are being prejudice all over again, after having famously done it twice in the past (and I'm not even counting our history with American Indians, etc.).
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Do you know what "ZIP" code stands for? It stands for Zone Improvement Plan. I bet you didn't know that.
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Do you know what "AM" and "PM" stands for when referring to time? It stands for Ante Meridiem (Latin for "before mid day") and Post Meridiem (I'm sure you can figure out how to translate that one).
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Can we do away with most paper receipts? When you go to places like Starbucks, you should have to specifically request a receipt if you want one. I can't return a coffee anyway. Handing me a receipt for my $0.99 candy bar at CVS is the equivalent of handing me a piece of trash. I hate it. And don't ask me if I want my receipt – it should be an assumed "no" unless it is specifically requested.
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While we are at it, can we do away with pennies? Haven't pennies become a meaningless form of monetary consideration? Frankly, I throw out my pennies, because I'd rather be free of that valueless coin in my pocket than be $0.01 richer. I don't think people would rebel if we all agreed to round transactions up or down to the nearest nickel.
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Pressing the up button again (after it is already lit) does not make the elevator come quicker. I love the people who walk into the building lobby and press the up button when it is already lit and while there are people standing there waiting for it. Yeah, we know why you are there - you don’t have to reinforce it by pressing the button again (which, by the way, doesn't do a fucking thing, moron – thanks for the help).

7 comments:

  1. A crazy but entertaining collection of comments! Thanks!

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  2. HA! I loved the kissing the hand part! I hate it when guys do that to me. But what are you supposed to do???

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    1. Lick their hand back?

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  3. im not so sure i agree with your God comment, but some of the other ones were funny... so i will "forgive" you!

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  4. Very good - They were all entertaining! :D

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  5. Actually ante-meridian

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  6. Ah, yes - you are correct, Anonymous... it is "ante", not anti. But, I'll correct myself even further and let you know that it is "meridiem" and not "meridian" (as both you and I wrote it). I have corrected it in the text above from "anti meridian" to "ante meridiem". My Latin is very rusty.

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