Golf Sucks Balls

Can someone explain to me how the sport of golf ever made it past the first day it was invented? Golf really has to be one of the worse sports/pastimes ever. Now, I know there are a lot of golf lovers out there, which really confuses me. How is it so popular? Let’s be honest with ourselves, it's pretty boring. But that’s not even the worst part of it. The worst part is that the game is super long AND boring.

At best, a round of golf takes three hours, which is an incredible amount of time. A "long" movie can take two hours, and that involves constant visual stimulation. If I told you that you had to do anything for three hours, you would immediately begin bitching and moaning about it. You wouldn't even have sex for three hours, would you? So why the hell would you play golf for three hours?

But the truth is that golf doesn't take three hours. It takes 4-5 hours. You always have to wait to get started, wait for people in front of you to play, wait for the people playing with you to play. It's a giant time suck. Let's assume you have Saturday and Sunday off from work and you're generally awake and active from 8 AM to 8 PM. That means your free times equals 12 hours a day or 24 hours for your whole weekend. Why on earth would you be willing to sacrifice 20% of your free time to golf?! That's insane. You only have one weekend, and your blowing nearly a quarter of it on bullshit golf??

I will confess that golf can be an interesting physical and mental challenge, and I can see some appeal in that, but does it have to be 18 holes? How ridiculous is that? Why do we allow this? You can't get me to do "18" of anything, let alone golf. I won't masturbate 18 times in a day, I won't eat 18 cupcakes, I won't drink 18 beers (usually)... I mean, who decided to make golf last for 18 holes? How stupid. And how stupid for us to allow this to persist!

Let's be honest with ourselves and admit that baseball is another sport that is too long, and baseball "only" lasts NINE innings! That's only half as long as golf! Imagine if baseball games lasted TWICE AS LONG, or 18 innings! You'd kill yourself, right? Yet, every regulation golf course in the country is 18 holes. Can't we make it 3-5 holes? Wouldn't that be a sufficient challenge, speed things along and make the world a better place? I bet that golf would get more people to play the sport if it lasted a reasonable amount of time, like an hour. Maybe guys want the game to be long in order to give them a legitimate excuse to be away from their wives/kids for extended periods of time. I don't know if that is true or not, because I neither have a wife nor a kid, but maybe I shouldn't have either of them if I enjoy something as horrible as golf more than I enjoy spending time with them. And if guys do prefer to play golf, then maybe wives and kids shouldn't be so horrible as to make golf appear to be a more attractive alternative.

While the length of the game is its biggest problem, golf is still riddled with lots of other issues. Let me break them down for you:

No one is "good" at playing golf. Aside from the PGA, all the weekend golfers suck – and suck really bad. In fact, even the PGA players can suck. I've never met so many people who want to do something that they suck so badly at. And the weekend players dedicate a lifetime to playing poorly. Isn't it an exercise in futility to never get better after playing for 20 years? That's not fun.

Because golf takes so long to play, you have to get started at a ridiculously early time in the morning – like 6:00 am or something. You have one weekend, and you’re going to start it off by waking up earlier than you would for work?? How does that make sense?

It is prohibitively expensive. So you want to be a golfer? OK, you have to spend thousands of dollars on clubs, balls, gloves, tees, greens fees and gizmos that help you play better, etc. Oh, and by the way, you suck at it. Enjoy!

I see these guys at the airport picking up their giant bag of golf clubs from baggage claim. Carting these fucking things all over the place to go play golf somewhere. What a nightmare. You would have a tough time getting me to check my carry-on bag, so there is no way I want to lug that crazy shit around. How absolutely horrible.

I have to confess that when I hang around with guys and they start talking about golf in an excited manner, I'm just completely at a loss. When a golfer yells out "FORE!" when he hits a wayward ball, I suspect he's really shouting out the number of holes the game should be.