I hoped you liked last week's Common Sense Potpourri post, because I have more for you...
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Ryan Seacrest is the worst, most awkward, humorless TV host ever. I can't believe the producers of American Idol can't recognize this. Would anyone really care if we switched out Ryan for a better host? Just compare him to someone like Cat Deeley (from "So You Think You Can Dance") and his awkwardness with the contestants and judges is just glaring. He possesses an amazing amount of unlikeability.
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When a girl is said to have "gigantic nipples", do you understand it to mean that she has long, pointy nipples, or big round aureoles? This always confuses me.
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Why are there no overhead ceiling lights in hotel rooms? They always have a bunch of these little, inadequate table lamps instead. I hate them. Give me a real, overhead light. Is that a problem?
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Why is finding the hair dryer in a hotel room like playing hide and seek? Sometimes it's on the sink, other times it's in a drawer, or in a cabinet under the sink, or hanging on the wall... Most recently, I found it in the closet with the ironing board! By the time you find these things, your hair is already dry.
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Why is the word "Internet" capitalized? (Answer: Because it's a proper noun, a place.) That seems stupid, so can we do away with the capitalization? (Yes, the style of official publications such as Wired have publicly stated they will no longer capitalize it.)
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I hate the golf fans that scream "GET IN THE HOLE!" as soon as Tiger Woods strikes the ball from anywhere. Sometimes this happens when he's teeing off on a par 5 (i.e. so there is no physical way the ball could possibly "get in the hole" from the first shot). It's so annoying - I don't know how Tiger handles it. I would club these spectators. Why are these morons doing this? Why don't the other fans that are standing around them beat these people?
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Similarly, I also hate the baseball fans that sit behind home plate on their cell phone and wave at the TV camera. You're such a douche bag and everyone hates you. Grow up.
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How much worse do you think the recession is because people are too scared by the recession to spend money? Just about all my friends still have the same job, making the same amount of money – but all of them are spending less because they are scared. I think the easiest way to create a recession is just to tell people that there is a recession. The Federal government should just say that the recession is over, and maybe everything would go back to normal.
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Do people use pencils anymore? I can't remember the last time I saw one. I couldn't produce a pencil in the next 15 minutes if you gave me a million dollars. Do kids in school still use pencils? Maybe I'm just getting old.
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I love rap and hip hop, but I have a theory that it has generally retarded the economic growth of African-Americans. It seems to me that the constant reference to excessive materialism in the lyrics of popular songs has probably encouraged ordinary listeners to spend beyond their means in order to validate their worth in their culture (i.e. they need bling, rims, Crystal and to "make it rain"). As a result, I wonder how much completely unnecessary spending has gone on in the African-American community during the past ten years. I think that has been a tangible economic step backward by the very people who can least afford it.
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How much worse are all of our memories because we now rely on PDAs and Blackberries? Everything I need to know is in my Blackberry and, as a result, I'm not required to remember anything and, as a result, I now know nothing.
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You have to put on your left-turn blinker BEFORE you arrive at the intersection. I hate those people that you pull up behind at a stop light in the left-hand lane, and when the light turns green, they pop on their left-turn blinker. Now I'm stuck behind this guy as we wait for oncoming traffic to pass before he can make his left turn, when all I want to do is go straight. And I COULD have gone straight minutes ago, had he had his blinker on the whole time at the stop light, so I could have positioned myself in the right-hand lane. Please don't be one of those people - you slow down societal progress.
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I'm pretty sure that the universal keypad commands for voicemail boxes are: “1” for play message; “2” for save message; and “3” for erase message, right? So why is my voicemail at work set up as: “2” for play message; “77” for save message; and “8” for delete message? Have you ever heard of such ridiculous commands? How arbitrary. How does this make any sense whatsoever?
What makes it even worse is that after you listen to the voicemail message, the computer voice tells you all your options (i.e. save, delete, etc.). What options/commands do you think would be the most logical to list first? Probably the most common options, right?... the options that people select the most often, such as "play the message again", "save it", "delete it", etc.
Well, my retarded voicemail offers these options (in order): reply (reply??... doesn't that mean you hang up and call the person back??); listen to the previous message (wait, what if I want to listen to the message I just heard? How do I do that?); forward a copy of this message; listen to the next message (wait, what if I want to listen to the message I just heard?); listen to the time when the message was left; save the message (press "77"??... how stupid); erase the message (press "8"... how "intuitive"); reply to the message (press "9"... wait, weren't we already given this option? Yes, we were, it was the first option). And that's it - no more choices.
So, assuming you haven't previously memorized the completely awkward commands, you have to listen to FIVE different options before getting to most common commands, which are "save" and "delete". And, to top it off, there is no "play the message again" command, which is probably the third most common command after delete and save! I freaking hate my voicemail - which, again, is another reason why you shouldn't call me.
July 29, 2009
July 20, 2009
Common Sense Potpourri
As you know by now, most of my posts are pretty long. However, I will often think of random ideas, comments or observations that don’t really deserve their own 1,000-word column. So here are some of them:
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One of the advantages to being homeless is that you get to walk in the street any time you want. The other day I saw a guy walk right through a red light, and all the cars stopped and patiently waited for him to cross. I've also seen people walk in the middle of the street with their homeless shopping cart and be completely oblivious to traffic. Do you know what would happen if you or I did any of this? Cars would be blaring their horns and screaming at us to get out of the way. No one said anything to these people or honked their horn. It’s one of the perks.
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Listen, guys, the act of kissing a girl's hand is not a romantic gesture – it's gross. That tradition died a long time ago. I saw two older guys talking to a young, pretty girl they just met outside of a Starbucks. When she went to leave, she attempted to shake their hand and, instead, they kissed it. I think she almost vomited up her Frappuccino. It's old fashioned and gross. Believe me, no girl wants you to do this. It's not endearing and it makes you creepy. I guarantee you that the girl at the Starbucks was feverishly rubbing the back of her hand on the leg of her jeans as soon as she got in her car. If you are old and you want a young girl to like that you do this, go to a strip club.
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I hate people who respond to e-mail in vague terms or don't answer all of your questions. This can often happen at work. Maybe you write, "John, do you want me to spend more time on Project A or Project B?" Their response is, "Yes." That's not helpful.
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Check writing should be outlawed. No one accepts them anymore anyway. No one should be writing a check in a grocery store line and holding up people. Carry cash or get a credit card (or get debit card if you can’t qualify for a credit card). I can't believe we lived with checks as long as we did.... it's basically an IOU from a total stranger. We thought this was a good idea?
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Why is believing in god any less ridiculous than believing in UFOs, ghosts or Zeus? Isn't it about time that we used our sophisticated, “god-given” rational mind and came to grips with the idea that none of the above exist? Believe me, it will be OK. (Recommended reading.)
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(In case there was anyone that I failed to alienate with the above paragraph...) What the hell is the big problem with letting gay people get married? How does this bother you and why do you even care?? If I can marry some woman that I totally hate and never slept with, why can't gay people get married? Gay people (unlike god and UFOs) actually do exist. They deserve the same rights as straight people. The church doesn't have to marry them - they are a private organization, and that's fine - but the government should marry them, as long as they are agreeing to marry everyone else. Women and blacks went through this same societal prejudice in the past, and now we all agree that it was wrong. I think it's appalling that we can't recognize that we are being prejudice all over again, after having famously done it twice in the past (and I'm not even counting our history with American Indians, etc.).
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Do you know what "ZIP" code stands for? It stands for Zone Improvement Plan. I bet you didn't know that.
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Do you know what "AM" and "PM" stands for when referring to time? It stands for Ante Meridiem (Latin for "before mid day") and Post Meridiem (I'm sure you can figure out how to translate that one).
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Can we do away with most paper receipts? When you go to places like Starbucks, you should have to specifically request a receipt if you want one. I can't return a coffee anyway. Handing me a receipt for my $0.99 candy bar at CVS is the equivalent of handing me a piece of trash. I hate it. And don't ask me if I want my receipt – it should be an assumed "no" unless it is specifically requested.
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While we are at it, can we do away with pennies? Haven't pennies become a meaningless form of monetary consideration? Frankly, I throw out my pennies, because I'd rather be free of that valueless coin in my pocket than be $0.01 richer. I don't think people would rebel if we all agreed to round transactions up or down to the nearest nickel.
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Pressing the up button again (after it is already lit) does not make the elevator come quicker. I love the people who walk into the building lobby and press the up button when it is already lit and while there are people standing there waiting for it. Yeah, we know why you are there - you don’t have to reinforce it by pressing the button again (which, by the way, doesn't do a fucking thing, moron – thanks for the help).
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One of the advantages to being homeless is that you get to walk in the street any time you want. The other day I saw a guy walk right through a red light, and all the cars stopped and patiently waited for him to cross. I've also seen people walk in the middle of the street with their homeless shopping cart and be completely oblivious to traffic. Do you know what would happen if you or I did any of this? Cars would be blaring their horns and screaming at us to get out of the way. No one said anything to these people or honked their horn. It’s one of the perks.
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Listen, guys, the act of kissing a girl's hand is not a romantic gesture – it's gross. That tradition died a long time ago. I saw two older guys talking to a young, pretty girl they just met outside of a Starbucks. When she went to leave, she attempted to shake their hand and, instead, they kissed it. I think she almost vomited up her Frappuccino. It's old fashioned and gross. Believe me, no girl wants you to do this. It's not endearing and it makes you creepy. I guarantee you that the girl at the Starbucks was feverishly rubbing the back of her hand on the leg of her jeans as soon as she got in her car. If you are old and you want a young girl to like that you do this, go to a strip club.
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I hate people who respond to e-mail in vague terms or don't answer all of your questions. This can often happen at work. Maybe you write, "John, do you want me to spend more time on Project A or Project B?" Their response is, "Yes." That's not helpful.
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Check writing should be outlawed. No one accepts them anymore anyway. No one should be writing a check in a grocery store line and holding up people. Carry cash or get a credit card (or get debit card if you can’t qualify for a credit card). I can't believe we lived with checks as long as we did.... it's basically an IOU from a total stranger. We thought this was a good idea?
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Why is believing in god any less ridiculous than believing in UFOs, ghosts or Zeus? Isn't it about time that we used our sophisticated, “god-given” rational mind and came to grips with the idea that none of the above exist? Believe me, it will be OK. (Recommended reading.)
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(In case there was anyone that I failed to alienate with the above paragraph...) What the hell is the big problem with letting gay people get married? How does this bother you and why do you even care?? If I can marry some woman that I totally hate and never slept with, why can't gay people get married? Gay people (unlike god and UFOs) actually do exist. They deserve the same rights as straight people. The church doesn't have to marry them - they are a private organization, and that's fine - but the government should marry them, as long as they are agreeing to marry everyone else. Women and blacks went through this same societal prejudice in the past, and now we all agree that it was wrong. I think it's appalling that we can't recognize that we are being prejudice all over again, after having famously done it twice in the past (and I'm not even counting our history with American Indians, etc.).
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Do you know what "ZIP" code stands for? It stands for Zone Improvement Plan. I bet you didn't know that.
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Do you know what "AM" and "PM" stands for when referring to time? It stands for Ante Meridiem (Latin for "before mid day") and Post Meridiem (I'm sure you can figure out how to translate that one).
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Can we do away with most paper receipts? When you go to places like Starbucks, you should have to specifically request a receipt if you want one. I can't return a coffee anyway. Handing me a receipt for my $0.99 candy bar at CVS is the equivalent of handing me a piece of trash. I hate it. And don't ask me if I want my receipt – it should be an assumed "no" unless it is specifically requested.
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While we are at it, can we do away with pennies? Haven't pennies become a meaningless form of monetary consideration? Frankly, I throw out my pennies, because I'd rather be free of that valueless coin in my pocket than be $0.01 richer. I don't think people would rebel if we all agreed to round transactions up or down to the nearest nickel.
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Pressing the up button again (after it is already lit) does not make the elevator come quicker. I love the people who walk into the building lobby and press the up button when it is already lit and while there are people standing there waiting for it. Yeah, we know why you are there - you don’t have to reinforce it by pressing the button again (which, by the way, doesn't do a fucking thing, moron – thanks for the help).
July 6, 2009
Golf Sucks Balls
Can someone explain to me how the sport of golf ever made it past the first day it was invented? Golf really has to be one of the worse sports/pastimes ever. Now, I know there are a lot of golf lovers out there, which really confuses me. How is it so popular? Let’s be honest with ourselves, it's pretty boring. But that’s not even the worst part of it. The worst part is that the game is super long AND boring.
At best, a round of golf takes three hours, which is an incredible amount of time. A "long" movie can take two hours, and that involves constant visual stimulation. If I told you that you had to do anything for three hours, you would immediately begin bitching and moaning about it. You wouldn't even have sex for three hours, would you? So why the hell would you play golf for three hours?
But the truth is that golf doesn't take three hours. It takes 4-5 hours. You always have to wait to get started, wait for people in front of you to play, wait for the people playing with you to play. It's a giant time suck. Let's assume you have Saturday and Sunday off from work and you're generally awake and active from 8 AM to 8 PM. That means your free times equals 12 hours a day or 24 hours for your whole weekend. Why on earth would you be willing to sacrifice 20% of your free time to golf?! That's insane. You only have one weekend, and your blowing nearly a quarter of it on bullshit golf??
I will confess that golf can be an interesting physical and mental challenge, and I can see some appeal in that, but does it have to be 18 holes? How ridiculous is that? Why do we allow this? You can't get me to do "18" of anything, let alone golf. I won't masturbate 18 times in a day, I won't eat 18 cupcakes, I won't drink 18 beers (usually)... I mean, who decided to make golf last for 18 holes? How stupid. And how stupid for us to allow this to persist!
Let's be honest with ourselves and admit that baseball is another sport that is too long, and baseball "only" lasts NINE innings! That's only half as long as golf! Imagine if baseball games lasted TWICE AS LONG, or 18 innings! You'd kill yourself, right? Yet, every regulation golf course in the country is 18 holes. Can't we make it 3-5 holes? Wouldn't that be a sufficient challenge, speed things along and make the world a better place? I bet that golf would get more people to play the sport if it lasted a reasonable amount of time, like an hour. Maybe guys want the game to be long in order to give them a legitimate excuse to be away from their wives/kids for extended periods of time. I don't know if that is true or not, because I neither have a wife nor a kid, but maybe I shouldn't have either of them if I enjoy something as horrible as golf more than I enjoy spending time with them. And if guys do prefer to play golf, then maybe wives and kids shouldn't be so horrible as to make golf appear to be a more attractive alternative.
While the length of the game is its biggest problem, golf is still riddled with lots of other issues. Let me break them down for you:
No one is "good" at playing golf. Aside from the PGA, all the weekend golfers suck – and suck really bad. In fact, even the PGA players can suck. I've never met so many people who want to do something that they suck so badly at. And the weekend players dedicate a lifetime to playing poorly. Isn't it an exercise in futility to never get better after playing for 20 years? That's not fun.
Because golf takes so long to play, you have to get started at a ridiculously early time in the morning – like 6:00 am or something. You have one weekend, and you’re going to start it off by waking up earlier than you would for work?? How does that make sense?
It is prohibitively expensive. So you want to be a golfer? OK, you have to spend thousands of dollars on clubs, balls, gloves, tees, greens fees and gizmos that help you play better, etc. Oh, and by the way, you suck at it. Enjoy!
I see these guys at the airport picking up their giant bag of golf clubs from baggage claim. Carting these fucking things all over the place to go play golf somewhere. What a nightmare. You would have a tough time getting me to check my carry-on bag, so there is no way I want to lug that crazy shit around. How absolutely horrible.
I have to confess that when I hang around with guys and they start talking about golf in an excited manner, I'm just completely at a loss. When a golfer yells out "FORE!" when he hits a wayward ball, I suspect he's really shouting out the number of holes the game should be.
At best, a round of golf takes three hours, which is an incredible amount of time. A "long" movie can take two hours, and that involves constant visual stimulation. If I told you that you had to do anything for three hours, you would immediately begin bitching and moaning about it. You wouldn't even have sex for three hours, would you? So why the hell would you play golf for three hours?
But the truth is that golf doesn't take three hours. It takes 4-5 hours. You always have to wait to get started, wait for people in front of you to play, wait for the people playing with you to play. It's a giant time suck. Let's assume you have Saturday and Sunday off from work and you're generally awake and active from 8 AM to 8 PM. That means your free times equals 12 hours a day or 24 hours for your whole weekend. Why on earth would you be willing to sacrifice 20% of your free time to golf?! That's insane. You only have one weekend, and your blowing nearly a quarter of it on bullshit golf??
I will confess that golf can be an interesting physical and mental challenge, and I can see some appeal in that, but does it have to be 18 holes? How ridiculous is that? Why do we allow this? You can't get me to do "18" of anything, let alone golf. I won't masturbate 18 times in a day, I won't eat 18 cupcakes, I won't drink 18 beers (usually)... I mean, who decided to make golf last for 18 holes? How stupid. And how stupid for us to allow this to persist!
Let's be honest with ourselves and admit that baseball is another sport that is too long, and baseball "only" lasts NINE innings! That's only half as long as golf! Imagine if baseball games lasted TWICE AS LONG, or 18 innings! You'd kill yourself, right? Yet, every regulation golf course in the country is 18 holes. Can't we make it 3-5 holes? Wouldn't that be a sufficient challenge, speed things along and make the world a better place? I bet that golf would get more people to play the sport if it lasted a reasonable amount of time, like an hour. Maybe guys want the game to be long in order to give them a legitimate excuse to be away from their wives/kids for extended periods of time. I don't know if that is true or not, because I neither have a wife nor a kid, but maybe I shouldn't have either of them if I enjoy something as horrible as golf more than I enjoy spending time with them. And if guys do prefer to play golf, then maybe wives and kids shouldn't be so horrible as to make golf appear to be a more attractive alternative.
While the length of the game is its biggest problem, golf is still riddled with lots of other issues. Let me break them down for you:
No one is "good" at playing golf. Aside from the PGA, all the weekend golfers suck – and suck really bad. In fact, even the PGA players can suck. I've never met so many people who want to do something that they suck so badly at. And the weekend players dedicate a lifetime to playing poorly. Isn't it an exercise in futility to never get better after playing for 20 years? That's not fun.
Because golf takes so long to play, you have to get started at a ridiculously early time in the morning – like 6:00 am or something. You have one weekend, and you’re going to start it off by waking up earlier than you would for work?? How does that make sense?
It is prohibitively expensive. So you want to be a golfer? OK, you have to spend thousands of dollars on clubs, balls, gloves, tees, greens fees and gizmos that help you play better, etc. Oh, and by the way, you suck at it. Enjoy!
I see these guys at the airport picking up their giant bag of golf clubs from baggage claim. Carting these fucking things all over the place to go play golf somewhere. What a nightmare. You would have a tough time getting me to check my carry-on bag, so there is no way I want to lug that crazy shit around. How absolutely horrible.
I have to confess that when I hang around with guys and they start talking about golf in an excited manner, I'm just completely at a loss. When a golfer yells out "FORE!" when he hits a wayward ball, I suspect he's really shouting out the number of holes the game should be.
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