Handicapped Parking

Handicapped parking is getting out of control. Have you noticed just how many handicapped spots there are in parking lots these days? (By way, am I supposed to say "disabled" instead of "handicapped"? It's so hard to keep track of who's offended by what these days.) Don't get me wrong, I think that handicapped people deserve (and need) their own parking spots (after all, it's like the only perk that one receives for being handicapped). It just seems to me that there are A LOT of spots popping up for handicapped parking. Are there new laws being passed? Or are we, as a society, becoming more aware of handicap issues? Or is the U.S. population as a whole becoming more handicapped in general??

Some of these handicapped parking spots are getting ridiculous. There is this one store in my city that has TWELVE handicapped parking spots! It's not a hospital or anyplace where you might expect handicapped people to congregate... it's a liquor store! If I was handicapped, I'd probably be getting drunk every night too, but are there really THAT many handicapped people coming to THAT particular liquor store at any ONE TIME?! I'm not even sure there are twelve handicapped people in the entire city who are of the legal drinking age.

Not only does this store have way too many handicapped parking spots, but they are positioned in the worst ways possible. The store has two parking lots, one on either side, along with a few spots that line up along a driveway that connects the two parking lots to one another at the front of the store.

There are seven handicapped parking spots in the one parking lot that is closest to the front door. However, the parking spots that are actually closest to the front door are not the handicapped spots, but normal spots along the driveway, which are NOT handicapped. How does this make sense? If you're going to designate handicapped parking, then let's give them the closest spots possible, right?

In the other parking lot of this store, there are an additional five handicapped spots, but these are 220 feet away from the entrance! The second lot is much further away from the front door than the first lot, so why not just have all the handicapped parking spaces in the lot that is closest? Needless to say, no one ever parks in these five handicapped spots that are far away because: (1) there is never more than seven handicapped people at the store at the same time, so they can use all the spots in the other lot; and (2) the other lot is a helluva lot closer to the door than this lot, so who wants to roll their wheelchair 220 feet (and then 220 feet back again)? That's like a marathon to a guy in a wheelchair! In fact, if you are in a wheelchair, you would prefer to park in one of the normal spots in the other lot rather than park in the handicapped spot in the far lot, because it would still be over 100 feet closer!

I'm sure that there is some law in our city that defines these parking areas as "two separate lots" and, as a result, each lot needs to have its own dedicated handicapped parking – even though it makes absolutely no sense at all. And I'd be interested to see the city formula that mandates that this liquor store needs a total of twelve handicapped spots. I feel pretty confident that the number "twelve" is equal to the entire handicapped drinking population of our state, let alone the city, let alone the visitors to this particular store. No drunk handicapped person will be left behind!

To make matters even worse, in the far lot that is over 200 feet away, the five spots they have designated for handicapped people are not even the five closest spots in that particular lot! There are two normal spots that are actually closer (check out the map; look for the two yellow Xs - normal spots - as compared to the line of blue stars, which are the handicapped spots). Talk about adding insult to disabling injury - they don't even get the closest spots in the furthest lot!

The big yellow star on the aerial map above is the front door of the store. The blue stars near the stop are handicapped spots in the closer lot, while the vertical line of yellow Xs are the normal spots that are much closer (you can see that is the only place were cars are actually parked). The blue stars near the bottom are more handicapped spots in the far lot that is 220 feet away from the entrance. Do we really need 12 handicapped parking spots here??

I tell you, we are slowly losing all our normal parking spots. First, the handicapped spots appear to be growing in population (and growing erratically, based on the store mentioned above) – like a weed. Secondly, have you seen these "Pregnant Women" parking spots at pharmacies and supermarkets? When did this start? I will acknowledge that pregnant women shouldn't have to walk from the back of the parking lot, but I'm more concerned about the trend in general. What's next?... parking spots for mothers with babies? Parking spots for mothers with toddlers (because it's too dangerous to have a child cross the parking lot)? Parking spots for teenagers (because they are too likely to get into trouble during the walk to through the parking lot)? Parking for elderly? For the tired? For the hungover? In the end, there will only be three designated parking spots in every parking lot in the country... they will be the spots assigned to the "Able-Bodied", and they will be way in the back. Every other spot will be for someone who has some kind of "problem".

But, once again, I am all in favor of handicapped people getting their own spots – please don't get me wrong! I'm just becoming more aware of some of the poor parking planning that is going on, and the slow creep of more and more "special" spots - and just how often they are never used! But there are very few social crimes worse than parking in a handicapped spot when you are an able-bodied person. Who does that?? There are also people who abuse the system by parking in reserved spots with an old, beat-up handicapped tag hanging from their rearview mirror – clearly something they got from their doctor when they broke their leg skiing six years ago, yet they still use it. Old people also abuse the system by parking in a handicapped spot when it's pretty clear that they can still get around OK – we get it, you're old and it sucks, but don't play dumb with me or magically designate yourself as "handicapped", that's not how it works.

Sometimes I will see someone pull into a handicapped spot that looks suspicious. I won't see any tag on their rearview mirror or on their license plate, so I will wait around to watch them exit their car so I can validate their handicap. Sometimes they are all messed up (oops, my bad), but sometimes they are perfectly fine – and they happily stroll into the store! This enrages me. I know that people are basically stupid and horrible, but how do they have the audacity to do this?? Is it really that big of a deal to walk a few extra feet from a normal parking spot to the front door? Even if you had to walk from the back of a giant parking lot, are you so fat and out of shape that you can't do it? (By the way, gluttony is not a disability.) Jesus you're lazy. Do you really have to scam the system like this?

I know I just went on and on about there being perhaps too many handicapped parking spots in this country (and they all seem to go unused), but in most locations there are probably still only one or two reserved spots, and these frauds are going to take one? Just because you possess a rearview mirror tag with a blue wheelchair on it (or you’re driving your handicapped grandmother’s town car) does not mean you can park in the spot! In addition to owning the parking tag, you actually have to be handicapped! I'd like to hear from people that actually do this – what are they thinking? If I was in the movie I Am Legend, and everyone was dead from the virus except for the zombies, then I would park in the handicapped spots... but only under those circumstances.

You better be legless, rich guy!

Would you like me to fix this problem permanently? I have an idea. I think we should pass a new law that states that anyone caught parking in a handicapped parking spot that is not actually handicapped (or driving someone who is handicapped) will have to undergo a medical procedure that will MAKE them handicapped. They can opt between the removal of their left or right foot. If they need to park in that spot so badly, then let's make them really appreciate it.

Wait a minute... I use the handicapped stall in the bathroom. Is that the same thing? That's not the same thing as parking in their spot is it? Actually, maybe it's worse – a handicapped person can wait for a parking spot, they can't wait to use the bathroom (at least not indefinitely). OK, let's forget about the new law for now.