Bicycles Are Not Cars

Bicyclists, we need to talk. You are not a car. You do not move as fast as a car. So why are you riding your bicycle in the middle of the road?! You’re like the little brother who tries to do all the same things as your big brother, except that you can’t. And because you are tagging along with us, you're making it harder for us to buy beer and get girls. So please go home until you grow up.

Don’t you hate it when you are driving along the right lane of a road on a Saturday morning, and you come up on a painfully slow car in front of you? You think to yourself, “What the hell is this guy doing? Fucking hurry up.” Cars are whizzing past you in the left lane, and when there is a opening in the traffic, the slow car in front of you moves over... and then you see it... some fucking guy riding his bike right in the middle of the lane. Come on, dude, you can’t do that. Ride on the sidewalk. Or drive to the park with the bike in the trunk of your car and take it out when you get there. Or ride on deserted streets, not ones that are active with cars. Or ride on the street (if you must), but do it up against the curb to allow for cars to pass you in that lane. But bike riders always seem to ride smack dab in the middle of the lane, like they have every right to be there.

Look, Mom... No Car!

Who do these bike riders think they are? First of all, do they really have a legal right to use the street just like a car? I don't know - maybe they do and maybe they don't. But even if they do have the right to ride in the middle of the lane, then they need to adhere to the other rules of the road... like the MINIMUM SPEED LIMIT! If you really can ride your bike as fast as a car, then you can use the road with us (by the way, this type of bike is called a "motorcycle"). But if you can’t ride as fast as us, then get the hell out of the way. It already pisses me off that these bike riders are so rude as to ride in the middle of the lane, not caring that they are inconveniencing every car that comes up behind them, but then they have the audacity to peddle along at a leisurely pace! What they fuck? While I don't like any bicycle in the middle of the road, at least I RESPECT those who are peddling their asses off and trying to go as fast as possible. At least they are showing some urgency, which conveys the fact that they know they are going too slow and acknowledge that they are messing everyone up, so they are trying to do their best to minimize their impact on traffic patterns. It’s the other leisurely riders that are the biggest disgrace.

Sometimes you see two bicycles riding side-by-side together in the middle of the road, just flaunting their traffic-blocking ways. Ugh. They probably don’t ride in a single file up against the curb, because they feel it’s too dangerous and it makes them nervous to have cars driving by them in such close proximity, but that’s the whole point... if you don’t like cars near you, then get off the ROAD! Should I be allowed to walk down the middle of a street strolling along at 4 miles per hour? Wouldn't the police stop me from doing that? Wouldn't that be improper? So why is it OK to have a bike rider (who’s fractionally faster than a walking human) to roll down the street?

I partly blame Lance Armstrong for all of this. He popularized bike riding among the non-athletic types and the general population. Whatever good he did for society by raising money for cancer, he basically undid it all by encouraging people to clog our roadways with inefficient weekend traffic. [OK, before I get a 100 angry-cancer-patient emails on this... I was just kidding!]

Compounding the frustration we feel from these bike-induced traffic jams are these mother fuckers’ outfits. More often than not, it’s always a fat guy wearing super-tight black shorts with his padded ass staring at you as you try to figure out a way to navigate and drive around him. And there is often an accompanying tight yellow shirt that highlights their belly spilling over their shorts. Come on, guy – do you really think that aerodynamic clothes are going to help you at this point? Don’t you think your fat lumpy shape is going to give you so much wind resistance that you’re beyond the help of Lycra? Don’t dress like you’re in the Tour de France when you can’t crack 20 miles per hour on the street.

We could only wish this was the problem...

But bike riders will argue that they have a right to use the road just like everyone else. Well, if that is the case, then you have to follow ALL the rules of the road. As I mentioned before, I’m sure they are moving below the minimum legal speed limit in many situations. But in addition to that, after holding me up and making me miss the green light, I see them ride right through the red light that I now have to brake for! You can’t have it both ways. If you want to pretend you are a car, then you have to adhere to ALL the rules. You can’t enjoy inconveniencing everyone by riding slowly, and then enjoy the convenience of going through the red light! If the police are not going to make these guys move over or get off the road, then I want them to be ticketed for going too slow and running red lights.