February 26, 2009

The Mile High Club Does Not Exist

I fly a lot as the Minister of Common Sense, and I don’t think the famous "Mile High Club" actually exists. I think that anyone who says they have had sex on a plane is probably lying. Every time I go into a bathroom on an airplane, I wonder about the possibility of trying to have sex in there - and I've become increasingly convinced that it’s a mechanical impossibility.

It’s fucking small in there, people! It’s barely big enough for one person, let alone two people – let along two people who are banging away. It’s so small in there that I don’t think there is enough room for me to masturbate, let alone involve someone else. And I’m not a big guy, either... I'm probably on the small side (OK, I didn't mean it like THAT, I meant in terms of body mass), so if I can't pull it off, how are two average-sized Americans
able to wedge themselves in there? Not only do you physically have to get two people in there, but you have to actually achieve a position of penetration, which is a whole other question of physics. Look at this photo from a bird's-eye view... how can anyone fit??

Even if we forget about the space requirements for a minute, I'm not even sure there is a legitimate opportunity to try to get two people in there in the first place. You know that those bathrooms are never vacant. There is always a line of people waiting, and there
are seats immediately before or after the stalls (the poor bastards). Then there are also flight attendants making crappy food nearby (although it's not their fault, it's the food's fault), so how do two people even TRY to get in there without raising immediate suspicion?

Even if you could get into the bathroom without raising suspicion or inconveniencing the line of people who need to pee, and even if you could fit both you and your likely-to-have-a-fat-ass lover in there, and even if you could get "it" in... what about the fact that it fucking stinks in there?! Either it stinks like people have been using it like a bathroom
(surprise) or it stinks like that bathroom sanitizer stuff. How the hell do you get hard or wet to the seductive aromas of 2000 Flushes? You might as well sleep with your office cleaning women or the high school janitor – you’d get the same aromatics.

And have you heard the violence with which that toilet flushes? It sounds like an explosion that sucks the living hell out of anything in the vicinity. I’m nervous just taking a pis
s near that thing. I’m pretty sure it can rip your sausage off, so the last thing I’m going to do around that toilet is any activity that makes my sausage a bigger and an easier target for that black hole commode!

Anytime they show two people having sex in an airplane bathroom in a movie, there is always a TON of room. They make it look like it's the master bathroom in Mar-a-Lago or something. There is no way there is as much room as they show in the movies. It’s complete fiction. (And if you want to believe the movies, then you have to
recognize that something really bad always happens to the characters who try to have sex in the airplane bathroom... they always die, crash or get bitten by a snake or something. So if you believe the movies, then you need to believe that anyone who has ever tried to join the Mile High Club has died, which supports my thesis that no one is actually in the club... because they are all dead).

I don’t envy anyone who says that they have had sex on a plane (assuming they actually have). There is nothing about it that sounds physically possible or pleasing. But, if you want to try to give me a handjob under the blanket at the seat... OK, now I’m interested.

P.S. - As a side bar, what is it with people taking photographs of themselves in airplane bathrooms?? have you seen this stupid phenomenon? After I started writing this post, I came across a ton of people who took photographs of themselves in the mirror on planes. When did this become a fad? Did I miss something??
Look at what you find if you search Yahoo! images for "airplane bathroom". There is page after page of these people taking photos of themselves. What's up with that? Can someone explain this to me?


  1. I agree. The smell alone is enough to put me off! (and I have never taken a photo of myself in the bathroom!)

  2. i generally agree with you and although i have never done it, i think it may be easier in the bigger(?) bathrooms on the long international flights when it can be nighttime and most people are sleeping.

  3. Very funny! And I agree with The Minister - I would never do it in an airplane bathroom!

  4. Believe me, people have certainly had sex on a plane before. I used to be a flight attendant, and it would happen more often than you think!

  5. taking pictures in the airplane bathroom....classic! finding them on the internet....priceless!

  6. A girl at my school claimed that she and her body-builder boyfriend went into the airplane bathroom and started having sex while a line formed...when they eventually finished, they walked out sheepishly and everyone in the line began congratulating them!

    Then, she claimed, the flight attendant announced over the intercom that they had two new members of the mile-high club, and the plane erupted into applause.

    When they got off the plane, they were given an honorary certificate that welcomed them into the mile-high club, had their picture taken, received free drinks, courtesy of the airline, Southwest, and a free hotel room.

    It was such an insane, elaborate story that I didn't even want to believe it, despite everyone around me believing it...but then I ask myself why in the hell would someone make something like that up?

    I've only flown 2x in my life, never used the bathroom on an airplane, so I can't say for sure if it exists or not...but i'd like to meet these people who have so much lust for each other that they just can't stand it and must have hot dirty sex in a disgusting public bathroom to satisfy their urges. I want to know their secret!

  7. It's happens often - often enough that they are frequently caught by the cabin attendants. And this is just commercial.

    Ever wonder why Howard Hughes invented an auto-pilot? So he could have sex in the cockpit.

    FWIW - I am a pilot. it is not difficult to have sex while flying. An aircraft with full auto pilot is ideal, though as long as you are at least 5000' AGL and flying under VFR, it is doable.

    I find cessnas are not good for this due the the cockpit arrangement - however, Piper warriors are GREAT. the seat moves WAY back so there's plenty of room.

    Also: There are more than one charter company that flys small charter flights in aircraft with a bed in the back for "romantic night cruises".

    My CFI and I did this as a gift to some friends of ours that were having an anniversary - Took them up for an hour of night time "sightseeing" in an Archer. My CFI and I just keep looking forward we we - uh - I'm pretty sure all that shaking was turbulence or something...

    If you don't believe any of this, there are many incidents well documented by the FAA and NTSB.

    - Andy (minister of truth)