Cell Phones in Elevators

People kill me. They just, plain kill me. How many times do we (as a society) need to complain about people and their cell phones in order for the idiots to finally “get it” and stop annoying the hell out of all of us? Here at the Ministry, we have issued so many bulletins on this topic, I can’t even keep up with all the button pushing that needs to happen to non-conformers.

Using a cell phone in an elevator is a classic example. It is the height of rudeness and arrogance to get on an elevator while talking on your cell phone, and it’s jaw-dropping how many people do it every day. And it’s always the same situation and conversation... the person gets on the elevator (filled with other people) and they are talking loudly on their cell phone. You all know what happens next, right?... the person says to the other person on the other line, “I just got on an elevator, so I might lose you.”

OK, so if you know you “might lose” the person on the other end of the line, then why are getting on the elevator in the first place?? If you are talking to the person on a cell phone then, by definition, you DON’T want to lose that person (otherwise, you would have ended the call already). So, if you don’t WANT to lose that person, then why are you willingly engaging in an activity that will almost certainly guarantee that you WILL lose them?? It’s fucking stupid. And I love it when they say, “I MIGHT lose you” – of course you will lose them! When has anyone ever been in an elevator and NOT lost them? It’s a goddamn given. Cell phones barely work outside, so what is it about getting inside a moving steel box surrounded by concrete that makes you think your cell phone will work?

The next stage in the cell-phone-elevator conversation is just as predictable. The cell phone user plays that game with themselves when they say (over and over again), “Hello?” “Are you there?” “Hello?” No, they are not there. You KNEW they would not be there – you even told them so yourself a second ago!

I haven’t even gotten to the part where all of this is totally annoying and rude to the other people on the elevator. I don’t want to hear your fucking conversation. In fact, I don’t want to hear anything at all. Have you ever noticed how quiet it is on an elevator with people in it? Why do you think that is? We weren’t taught to not talk on an elevator, it just feels like the right thing to do, right? That’s because it IS the right thing to do! The decision to be quiet on an elevator is just naturally “in us”. It’s innate. It’s natural. And some people are missing that gene, which just shocks the shit out of me.

One time, I would like to be on an elevator when it’s just me and the cell phone guy. And while he’s trying to talk on the phone, I’m going to start talking really loudly to no one in particular in order to mess up his call. Me talking out loud to no one is essentially the same thing that he is doing to me. (Of course, I won’t need to mess up his call - the bricks and mortar will do that on their own).

So, if you are talking on a cell phone, don’t get on the elevator! It’s so simple. We don’t want you on the elevator because you will annoy everyone. But even if you’re selfish and don’t care about other people, you shouldn’t want to get on the elevator because you will drop your call. Why would anyone ever decide to get on an elevator while on a cell phone? It’s illogical, stupid and rude – and I push the button on them all.